Seeing through the false reality and embodying the Authentic Self

For most of my life, I believed I was a flawed, weak, neurotic self who had to work hard, be spiritual, and overcome my defects. Why? So that one day I would finally be good enough to have my dreams come true.

Then one day, in the process of reluctantly – yet again! – going into my body to clear some painful, stuck energy, I experienced a profound insight.

I actually saw my life from the point of view of my consciousness sitting inside my “flawed self.” From that perspective “my ideal Self” seemed like another person, somewhere off in the future.

Feeling the feels. Photo by Julie Jaycox.

For so long I had searched for the the right spiritual formula. If I could just find the best form of meditation, overcome my addictions, harness my desires (or make enough money or have enough success?), I could finally become that self.

In an instant, I felt  the truth: my ideal Self is who I really am, who I always have been. The suffering, “not quite good enough” self? That’s just my identity.

I saw that my identity is an illusion, a shell I created in childhood to try to win love and approval and avoid pain and suffering. All my life, I had accepted my identity, my personality, as the real me.

When the Shell Starts to Crack Open

You probably already know that for many years I wrote weekly and monthly horoscope columns. They were read by thousands of people around the world. I had astrology and coaching clients on every continent but Antarctica.

I became far more successful as an astrologer than I ever could have imagined when I started out. But one day I woke up and realized I wasn’t happy. I was starting to fake it – I just didn’t feel the juice, the enthusiasm I used to any more. At the same time, my income was steadily shrinking. I drove myself to work harder, to try harder. But nothing seemed to work.

Finally, I admitted the frightening truth to myself: Continue reading →